So, failing has never been an option for me. I was born with a cleft/lip palate and between being asked about surgeries and bullied from kindergarten through junior high, I had to fight for who I wanted to be. And the one thing I did not want to be was considered less than because of my deformity.
I knew I had fair intelligence. I enjoyed learning and using my mind and hands. I like creating things. So, being artistic and stretching my mind and abilities is how I know that the part of me that matters is okay.
Unfortunately, I am no longer able to do those things. Crafting is becoming more and more difficult. Sometimes, my hands absolutely don’t want to work and sometimes, I push myself so hard in making new items that my hands refuse to work for about 3 days afterward.
And as diagnoses and everything have progressed, my mind is slowing down. While before, I could write a 3 page paper on a reading withing an hour. . . Now, I struggle to write a single page. Before, the computers kept asking me if I was human and still didn’t let me into sites because my typing was too fast. Now, I just do my best. I do my best at coming up with ideas, at thinking, at speaking, and all I can do is everything wrong. My thoughts don’t match the words that come out of my mouth. I say one thing (I think), but have actually said something else entirely.
I feel as though I am failing at every single thing I attempt. Words are no longer my solace. And I feel as though there is no beauty left in my life. If my dog is upset, it is because somehow I have failed. I can’t lose weight because obviously, I am not trying hard enough. I am exhausted because, in my mind, I should have been up earlier and seized the day instead of resting so late.
Worse than that: my temper is short and I feel as though I am failing GOD in every fiber of my being. I am not blogging often enough. I am not praying enough. I am not writing about His wondrous love and generous mercy.
I am so focused on all that is wrong that I am missing His glorious creation and love.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect work, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1: 2-4
Having faith at these times of doubt and insecurity can be difficult. And being joyful about struggle is even more difficult.
What has sat with me lately is the idea that GOD will measure our words upon judgment day.
““Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree rotten and its fruit rotten; for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you who are evil say anything good? For from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man from his good treasury brings forth good, and the evil man from his evil treasury brings forth evil. But I tell you that on the Day of Judgment, men will give account for every careless word they speak.”
Matthew 12:33-36
From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. . .
My heart is full of anxiety and hurt pride.
So, my words and thoughts have been on how I will never measure up and that I can only suck at everything I do.
I do not want to be measured by those thoughts and words.
I do not want to be measured by my fears and anxieties.
I want my fruit to be good. I want all the fruits of the Spirit in my life.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—against such things there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22-23
An important thing to remember for myself and everyone else is that we need to show the fruit daily and not just toward others. We, too, need to be treated with the Fruits of the Spirit.
And we need to be wise with our time and discern the will of the LORD. He has created us for purpose. We are told in Ephesians chapter 5 that this world is evil and to make the most of our time here.
So, all this pressure we are putting on ourselves is not from GOD. We are putting it on ourselves because the world has told us that we have to be something, someone, anyone but who we were created to be.
Do you think GOD told me in kindergarten that I was worthless?
Absolutely NOT.
Do you think GOD tells you that you will never amount to anything?
NO!!!!!!!!
GOD is saying come to me. I will give you rest.
GOD has a plan for each and every one of us. Stop trying to discern the crazy, shifting plans of the world and soften your hearts to GOD’s will for your lives.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Forgive us. Forgive our walking with the world instead of You.
You alone provide fulfillment and rest and true peace.
You are at work in our lives. Our striving creates nothing but stressors that You did not intend for us.
Abba, without You, we cannot overcome the world. We need You. You are Creator, Master, King. Guide our hearts to focus on You.
Undivide our hearts, so we might depend wholly on you. May our hearts overflow with love for your and our mouths glorify You alone.
Forgive our careless words.
Guide us into YOUR WILL for our lives.
We pray this over our lives and ask for redemption.
In the Holy Name of Jesus, our Savior,
Amen.
Shalom.
Leave a Reply